It’s the beautiful things I’m sensitive about in life. It’s not curiosity, it’s the fleeting nature of it all. Living in constant uncertainty then something unsustainably beautiful takes up residence for who knows how long ,like a meteor or a supernova.
That’s how it felt like when I was singing. I wasn’t a very good singer but I had a smile as warm as Fresno, California in July to make up for it. I’d go up on stage and smile, do my little dance, I was always an entertainer.
It felt like a dream really, it was one of the reasons I got to travel Italy. Entertaining people (men) watching them light up like the 4th of July.
I thought about how easily I fell in love then with boys and places and ideas. I use to wake up with the world watching me a real Truman Show deluxe edition type of thing. But you can’t make every body happy you can’t be everything to everyone. That was the cold hard truth no matter how much I did my little dance. That messed me up a bit, turned me into a gaping hole.
I needed Tylenol , Advils all the sorts to numb the colossal pain eating me alive. It’s the pain of being actually existing in a moment, The pain I felt when my old man walked out on me.
The pain when he resurfaced like a time capsule, an open wound.
But that’s a story for another day. I was never good at coping with it in any case.
I’m not god I won’t pretend to know why life is a modern day Avernus.Except you don’t have coins for the boat man you’re stuck on the shore debating a life that has long passed away every hesitation is another wasted breath.
It’s sobering really that you can only be human for so long till you’re six feet under. Makes you go a little crazy searching for the meaning of it all. It’s tethered to the universal human need to be remembered to be a galaxy , a beacon of light burning through the ages, we want our song to be sung our words to be immortalised.