We are who we are

We are who we are
Even when we wish to be different
We lead inescapable lives
Trapped in more ways then one

We look as identical as soldiers
The funny thing is
We’re supposed to be different

I run so fast trying not to walk in your shoes
I swear I’m different maybe even kinder
I demand to be put on the sidelines

So I can breathe a little
So I can fall apart
So I can develop a fleshy heart

I’m smothered in expectations
I count this as living in your shadow
We’re always missing each other

I can tell you want the best for me
I can tell I disappoint you at every turn
Like misfire I’m the accidental bullet

Shredding through the air
It almost sounds like music
I almost land without a scratch

But your words are lethal
And I’m exposed as vulnerable as a baby
I wish you could understand this

But then again we are who we are
Cold eyes and emotionless
We are born to be a war machine

Here we are in our homes
No solace in our sleep
This our only fault: in loving we loved in measures

-v.

An Ode to Womanhood

I don’t know the wars of womanhood
I am just a girl
I never questioned the gender politics of old
But I can tell you about the face of my mother
First it was shrouded in tears
As I left her womb
The first place where I left her behind

I called it puberty
The first time I said I hated her
I don’t know the words of womanhood
The literature and art of the Feminine Mystique
They will never intervene for or within me

I wish I knew
I wish I saw
But I am fully broken
A whole of hollow spaces
Fragmented foliage of Mother Nature
A mirage of an oasis
A breech in the creation of Eve
Eve meaning Mother of all living

Have I ever questioned my lack
When my mother combed through my hair
Unraveling the intricate coils called colonialism

Brushing and brainwashing the patriarchy
On to my skin and into my bones
Low and behold she didn’t know

When did we become islands
Separable colours and objectified Madonnas
An amalgamation of baby makers
Sole fertility goddesses

Are you not human do you not bleed
Can you not say my personal is political
My body is a Bell Hooks phenomenon
The perpetual ritual a primordial residual

The glass ceiling that shatters
Like the ashes of radical feminist premonitions
The world is not our oyster but a cosmic Omelas a room exists where injustice is rampant and I fear the child is you and the child is me

And when I unravel from the shapes of being a girl
Here is then my ode to womanhood
Bless the womb
The belly of a woman is like the garden of Eden
Where all things grow and become like the sands of the earth or as numerous as the stars in the sky

-v.

Intervals

Awkward but funny
Odd but sweet
Deranged on the fringes of life’s silver linings

Kind but prey to the worldly
A wry smile and a bleak future unfolding
A neurotic anti-psychotic makes my soul glitch

Crippling anxiety (no more fondly) the anxiety
Inaugurated insomnia (yes more , more)
Fickle forensics

Take care (of who of what) the dying,dying dead
The body
Warning signs and cursed lines

But I’m the victim (you’re a shark)
I’m living proof of the danger arc
Pristine arbitrary memory

A lesser evil is still an evil within itself
Compromise I’m still good I’m still great
I’m the inner workings of Atlas in his wake

Cruel usurper I am(was) the pleasantries
Loved in the beginning
But every bubble has its pop

Crossing oceans leading revolts
A holy host of an imperial addiction
Conspire universe against me

-v.

Ask again,yes

I was always late everywhere
because I was stuck in my own world.
The best part of me hidden, shrouded in mystery

She had jarred movements jerking forward and back she never knew how to sit still
But she was lovely
Kind in unimaginable ways
She’s unhinged terribly so
Fixated on micromanaging her life

They’re crawling all over my body
Colonising me they’re using me
And I let them and I let them and I let them

It’s animosity it’s envy it’s killing me softly
Carpe diem at the graveyard
Carpe diem at the scene of the crime
Carpe diem some one cut the brakes

-v.

Letter to Venus

My favourite colour orange
Creamed and foraged
In a syrup-silken state
Carried from back to waist

Like generational wealth
You my summery visage
Are a mild fluorescent future

With your generic smile
Siamese twisted and wild
Cornered freckles in style

Chronic comical laughter
Freer then most on the isles of paradise
There is no noose on your neck

So then yes I imagine you here
Star man you’re Venus as a boy
I crave no life on Mars
If I burn from body to soul it’s because of you

-v.

Beautiful things

It’s the beautiful things I’m sensitive about in life. It’s not curiosity, it’s the fleeting nature of it all. Living in constant uncertainty then something unsustainably beautiful takes up residence for who knows how long ,like a meteor or a supernova.

That’s how it felt like when I was singing. I wasn’t a very good singer but I had a smile as warm as Fresno, California in July to make up for it. I’d go up on stage and smile, do my little dance, I was always an entertainer.

It felt like a dream really, it was one of the reasons I got to travel Italy. Entertaining people (men) watching them light up like the 4th of July.

I thought about how easily I fell in love then with boys and places and ideas. I use to wake up with the world watching me a real Truman Show deluxe edition type of thing. But you can’t make every body happy you can’t be everything to everyone. That was the cold hard truth no matter how much I did my little dance. That messed me up a bit, turned me into a gaping hole.

I needed Tylenol , Advils all the sorts to numb the colossal pain eating me alive. It’s the pain of being actually existing in a moment, The pain I felt when my old man walked out on me.
The pain when he resurfaced like a time capsule, an open wound.
But that’s a story for another day. I was never good at coping with it in any case.

I’m not god I won’t pretend to know why life is a modern day Avernus.Except you don’t have coins for the boat man you’re stuck on the shore debating a life that has long passed away every hesitation is another wasted breath.

It’s sobering really that you can only be human for so long till you’re six feet under. Makes you go a little crazy searching for the meaning of it all. It’s tethered to the universal human need to be remembered to be a galaxy , a beacon of light burning through the ages, we want our song to be sung our words to be immortalised.

-v.

Argo

I had love , and like all the great things it crumbled away ,became the ruins of night.
I wished to be like the stars , they were beautiful with no souls no feeling
They existed for amusement

I don’t dare keep the memories
They are like the women who occupy the passenger seat
Beautiful just like stars, just like solace
But they never last their world is beyond my vision

You are an impossible reality
An anomaly a celestial catalyst
I write about you in my journal
About how your hair was golden honeycomb

About your bad temper
How you liked to collect bugs
Yellow ladybirds were your favourite

I latched onto you
It’s like the rain soft at first
My fibres , my being started to intertwine with yours

Should I forget how do you ?
How do you see heaven and forget god’s face?
You’re an enigma unfazed by the gravity of love

-v.

Feels like

Happiness came like my twenty first birthday
Make a wish blow out the candles
I closed my eyes when I made the wish
I wanted to feel it really feel it

I was young naïve to think it would stay
Every milestone was killing me
The unprecedented future

I started to resent the birthday like visits
It coexisted with my hamartia
Got intimate with my demons

Happiness use to clap at my recitals
Before I even played a note
Now I search for it in the crowd of faces

It’s the sea of strangers
I disappear into searching for that moment
I’m a very sad individual you know

So when happiness came like Christmas
I closed my eyes
It fascinated me like the first glimpse of living

Happiness taught me how to be a pretty crier
It was fleeting and beautiful but an awful liar
Eventually the meaning lost all congruency

I got a little older a whole lot sadder
Happiness didn’t visit or call
It became a stranger an anomaly

Maybe I just didn’t understand Happiness
Wild and free ,careless and innocent
I try not to love it you know high expectations kill

-v.

Fascination

Astonishment like the stars
You’re the colour without a name
Your fascination fascinates me
Bends like a wild river

These are the emotions the big words
we’re afraid to say , to love unless they kill us
Crumple my love letters
Read the stars

Find me in the darkness of the night
Your love is fair , your heart bleeds fascination
Fickle and freckled eyes that never turn to mine
You were searching for bigger words

Casting moulds of senseless dreams
Hovering over the light till you come near
I called out for peace at this great door
I watch you from the rear view mirror
As you fall into love making with someone else

-v.

Love story

The heart bleeds
I think about this
Driving down the road

It makes every scar feel superficial
Every burn feels like being sun kissed
It’s the understanding that nothing compares to a broken heart

Silver linings laced with wise sayings
I need a paramedic
Tylenol…how do you forget the memories

It’s a string of dejavu with out you
I was just another paramour walking through the revolving door

It’s a story as old as time
How I was yours and you were mine
Until you tiptoed across the bedroom crimes

-v.